the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
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Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
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Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
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