yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
