She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
