Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
