Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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