I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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