neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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