I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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