At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Randomize
