Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
