I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I can't put those talents on a resume
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
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