Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
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