You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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