guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
