I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
