I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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