My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
