Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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