she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
then he tried to convert me to islam
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
