So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
