That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
