Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
