Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
