My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I can't turn off my feet"
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
