Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Randomize
