girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
