Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
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that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
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He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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