god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
