I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
