at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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