He asked to "fluff my boner.."
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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