what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
