I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Randomize
