Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
