Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
