He disabled his match.com account in front of me
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
