I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
We need to rekindle our bromance
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
