I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
