The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I believe in your delicious
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
