if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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