I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Randomize
