OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
His hands were made for my vagina.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
