So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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