Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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