happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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