Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
