My sheets look like a crime scene.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
