I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
