be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
