my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
