The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize
