she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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