I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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