This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
