I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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