i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
im six kinds of drunk right now
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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