Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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