Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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