if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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